One Holiday Down, One to go
Hello, and Happy Holidays to you all!
Apologies, again, for my recent absence.
Life is FABULOUS! The engagement is official, and the holidays have emerged on us like a lion.
We are anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new cousin, he should be landing on earth this Saturday!!!!
Thanksgiving was, well, it just was. It was ok, no fights, only a few slaps in the face with words. We survived.
This is always a hard time of year for me. I have to keep reminding myself that people, although good hearted, can be VERY selfish. Mom didn't react well to my engagement, no surprise. The Christmas plans are gearing up, what does this have to do with mom? Well, Christmas Day is ALWAYS a difficult one. She tends to hook my anxiety with her selfishness. He reasons for selfishness will be absent this year...until I ask that my fiance's father join us for the festivities. See, she thinks that Christmas at my Grandmother's house is hers. Like the day should be all about her. I, on the other hand, would be perfectly content spending the day at a soup kitchen or with a family that is less privileged than mine. So, what are my true thoughts on all of this? Well, I am gaining ground in the world of "I don't need your approval". Not just my mother's approval, but anyone's. I need God's approval. The song that makes so much sense to me says "this journey is my own". When the day comes, I will be standing before the Lord, alone. What an amazing thought!
As we embark on this wonderful season, I pray for all of the world, that we can remember the TRUE meaning of the season. I look forward to my Christmas morning prayer time!
My Christmas present, Therapist has given us her blessing of good mental health and good relationship tools. Our next appointment....is not until we need it!
Well, if you are still checking in....I am glad to know that you care. My two month sabatical from writing has been a very good journey of normalcy to me. I have been told by several people, including my therapist, that I NEED to keep writing, that it is how people keep up with my life...cause I disappear in real life too. Well, I have tossed it around for awhile, and thought about why I hadn't been writing, on an intimate level. I have found that truly living in the gray is something I have to dive into with BOTH feet. I have used my blog as an expresssion of the "crap" in my life, and to share my walks with anyone who might care. It had almost become a crutch for me to have some additional validation from the world around me. What I know now is that I miss writing, but I am not going to beat myself up for missing a couple of days, or weeks.
To bring you all up to date:
Job...going well, but I am getting some additional advice from someone who has been in my shoes today. Being an anxious person, it is difficult to work from home. I can find a THOUSAND other things that need to be done...even if they are work related, so that I don't actually have to make a sales call. That doesn't make for a profitable life for a sales rep.
Love... I have found it, on earth and in heaven. I have been able to LIVE IN THE GRAY with my Christian walk. (If you want me to explain this, I will be happy to) I love God, and am SOOOOOOOOOOO thankful for what he is doing in my life. Love on earth, well, I have had the fairytale. It DOES happen, and it is WONDERFUL to FINALLY know that this is right. I have prayed about it, prayed with him, and know with every bone in my body that we will be spending the rest of our lives together! I will keep you all up to date in regards to upcoming nuptuals....yep...I said it....we are planning on getting married. I could tell you all LOADS of stuff about him, but I just want to leave you with one thought.....he is going to therapy with me....to learn more about me, and how I deal with life. Therapist has asked for him to come, and he agreed. If I could remember how to post a pic, I would put one of us up....I'll work on that.
Well, I hope to be more present in this blogging world...BUT you will notice a different tone in my writing. I have learned so much through this, that I finally think I have come to some sort of plateau. Life seems to be a balancing act, and I teeter still, but today...the grocery bags are of equal weight.
Lessons I Keep Learning
Hi. What have I learned this week? LOTS!
1. I HATE HORMONES! Not only do they affect my thinking, my self-esteem, my body, BUT I allow them to plummet me into a dark place. A hole.
2. I can handle life without therapy until July 10th...yep, I said July 10th...that seems SOOOO FAR! But, she has given me tools, if I just remember to use them, I will be fine.
3. I CAN READ!!! Yep...read. It is still difficult to retain the information, but at least I have the patience to read more than two sentences.
4. The little girl... I try to be as aware of her as possible. I noticed that when she is uncomfortable, or hurt, she retreats....because "children are to be seen and not heard". (this is something I was told often as a child) This is where the "hiding" comes from. I hide from the world because something has hurt me...tripped my trigger...add that to the hormones...you have a textbook recluse, that has the outward appearance of depression, but is actually just a hurt little girl.
I could go on, and on, and on...BUT...I digress.
Where do I go from here? Well, I just have to remember and realize what the hormones are doing, and combat it to the best of my ability. I have to use the tools that I have to deal with the hiccups of life...that is all they are...hiccups. (What is the best cure for hiccups....water...I will drink in the Lord, and let Him wash me clean). Reading, well, I am planning to spend the weekend by the pool, reading, learning about God...and feeling the water.
A thought to leave you with...
He also is "a father of the fatherless" (v. 5). He comes right where we are to comfort and heal our broken hearts. Furthermore, God is Judge and Redeemer. He frees those who are bound with chains.
* * *
Are you feeling oppressed by your enemies? Leave the burden with your Father, and let Him be your Conqueror.
Where, Oh Where, Can I Be?
I keep doing this...disappearing...hiding...running. I HATE IT!
I have started my new job. I have had some good response, and some not so good. I have a long, difficult road ahead. I have to remember that for every negative, there are also successes. I also have to remember to not take the negatives personally...difficult as it may be.
It seems that I am continually getting knocked down, with finances, relationships, work...etc...The thing is...I KNOW why...I miss church, I miss God, I miss me. I have mentioned once before that when I am missing in action from the blogging world, I am probably running from something. This time has been no different. I am so tired of running...
I am done traveling for awhile...I can't afford the gas to go anywhere.
I have therapy tomorrow...and I am thinking of hitting the Wednesday night service afterward. I DESPERATELY need it.
Trying to shake the discouragement,
Let's have a little duck discussion...
1. My family eats ducks for Christmas dinner...very yum with grape jelly.
2. Being from the south, most males that I know duck hunt. (If I could just get them to "hunt" me for a date.)
3. Duck tape, also being from the south, will fix just about anything....and if it doesn't...WD40 will. (Now, I know that it is actually spelled duct tape...but their logo is a duck...and I think there is a brand name called duck...so there...)
4. Ducks are designed to not allow water to penetrate their feathers...I am being like a duck with the BAD SEWER water that seems to be in the pond that I have landed on.
5. Duck...also a term used to warn someone that dangerous objects might be hurling towards their head....so, I duck from LOTS of thing...be they tangible or intangible.
6. Down...down feathers...come from ducks...and I LOVE me some down feather pillows!
7. Duck...an obscure character from a fab 80's movie called Pretty In Pink...he was VERY much like a duck in water, and duck tape.
8. Duck...could have totally changed the movie Forrest Gump... "Dear God, make me a DUCK so I can fly far, far away." (Since they were in a southern state while saying this prayer...it might have been immediately followed by sounds of shotguns. A little dark, I know, but it still would have been pretty funny.)
9. Rubber Ducky...favorite bathtub toy and song of MANY children.
10. Well, I would REALLY be reaching for this one...so let me know what you think of when you hear the word duck.
Now, how am I like a duck? I am a part of my family...like the duck for Christmas. I also have been known to try to "fix" everything...even when it didn't involve me, like duck tape. I am working to be more like a duck in regards to the situations around me...I "duck" away from them, or I am trying to let the water run off my back like a duck. The PIP character was a little out of the ordinary, and didn't feel like he fit in...oh yeah, that is so me. Rubber Ducky...I LOVE CHILDREN...and I hope to be as pleasant a memory to their childhoods as their rubber ducks.
The fact that I have taken this "duck thing" so far...well, kinda bothers me...I can be SO WEIRD! But...God created ducks, and He created me, so we are related.
Keep on QUACKIN...my bruthas and sistas! (Consequestly...quack....also a term used for the mentally unstable, or someone that doesn't know what they are doing...now THAT is disturbing!)
I HAD TO SHARE THIS!!!!
This is my best friend's son....she has started a blog so that her family can "keep up" with his growing up. If you want a good laugh...go check it out...(And I am going to HAVE to show her how to use the spellcheck....but I guess she probably doesn't have time...this little guy is a MESS...an ADORABLE MESS)
One more quick funny story...about a year ago, he started to recognize me. I LOVE it when kids do that!! Well, instead of giving kisses, we give noggin. I will pick him up and say "Give me Noggin"....and we butt heads...just like the turtles from Finding Nemo. He makes me smile every time!
The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe
The Lion -
Isaiah Chapter 31 from The Message
"Like a lion, king of the beasts, that gnaws and chews and worries its prey, Not fazed in the least by a bunch of shepards who arrive to chase it off, So God-of-the-Angel-Armies comes down to fight on Mount Zion, to make war from its heights. And like a huge eagle hovering in the sky, God-of-the-Angel-Armies protects Jerusalem, I'll protect and rescue it. Yes, I'll hover and deliver."
My lion, today, is the calls that I need to make. They are former competitors of mine. I know that God will SWOOP down, and give me the courage to contact them, and the confidence to face them. I will read this verse today...before I make each of those calls.
The flipside...I made some easier calls yesterday...to friends of mine in the industry...I was afraid of their response, and their reaction. I was pleasantly surprised. They do, in fact, know me. They seemed excited for me, and willing to help. It was a good day.
The Witch - This is not to say that my mother is a witch...it just sounded good. The situation that we confronted her with two weeks ago has gone public....and from what we have heard has been "flipped". Our concern for her health, mentally and physically, and our efforts to help and protect her from furthur pain has been twisted into selfishness. We are BAD children. What I am struggling with is multi-leveled in regards to this. (I must tell you that none of this directly affects me, but I am pained for the ones that it does...so I am referring to it as my own in this blog...it's just easier to explain that way.) We all have freedom of thought. Often what we listen to is not what we hear. I am wondering if the "flipped" version of the story is what my mother "heard", or what my grandmother "heard". I cannot be responsible for what my mother or grandmother "hears", but the fact is that what we get on the backside is NEVER the whole truth. I have thought for many years that is was solely my mother that twisted the truth for her benefit, and I still think that she does that...what is difficult to come to grips with is that she is her mother's daughter, so where does the hiccup occur? My aunt does not seem to have this same affliction, so I tend to believe that the fault does not lie with my grandmother, BUT...no one is perfect, no one is 100% truthful 100% of the time...this has to do with what we "hear", and what we want to "hear". My saving grace, comes from God. I must contiue to love these women, and accept them for who they are...even if I don't understand who they are, or approve of what they do. I do not approve of this situation, but it is NOT my place to judge them. Me, the Pollyanna eyed little girl, will become like a duck...and just let the water roll off of my back. My prayers, love, and deepest sympathies to ALL of my family...my flock of ducks. Quack Quack.
The Wardrobe - my quiet place... curled up in His lap.
FUNK - E - Chicken
Bubba was right...but not TOTALLY right. He told me that he was afraid that I would falter in my faith...which I kind of have. It is more like being distracted...which is VERY easy for me to do. What rocks about this is that I haven't faltered for as long as I usually do. (Consequently, I LOVE proving him wrong...and HATE telling him he is right...well, sort of...he is a VERY wise man.)
The rollercoaster valleys and peaks aren't as dramatic as they once were, but they are still there...and I know that they always will be. If I could identify them coming, I could brace myself. One thing that I do know is that when I skip church two weeks in a row, I, without fail, head into a valley. I love the weekly encouragement that church gives. I also know that reading my Bible, doing some sort of study, and reading christian blogs assists me with not being distracted. Here is where my "little brain" is often allowed to take control...and hinder me from these daily types of devotions. If I begin to read my Bible study, or the Bible, or my blog friends, and it deems that I will not be able to concentrate, then the tasks become too difficult. When this happens, I give up...notice the fact that I have NOT done any of my LBY study, or cleaned my bathroom yet. I have a hard time grasping monumentous tasks...on a couple of occasions...and I give up. I hope to try again...with the study...and the bathroom.
My BIG struggle today is the fact that I OFFICIALLY start my new job tomorrow. I have been in training, but tomorrow, I will be making my first round of calls. I am terrified. I know how to do this, I know my products, but I am afraid. What if they don't like me? What if I don't make a good impression? What if they ask me about my "hiding" from the industry for the last year? What if they can't see past the fact that my former employer taught me all of the wrong things, and that I have learned from it. What if I go into these places and puke all of this on them?
I am going to try to pray A LOT today, and every day in regard to this. I also have therapy tonight...I could use some tools/advice on how to overcome all of this.
So there you have it...my FUNK - E - Chicken dance for today....could someone PLEASE change the music?